children of light and darkness

2009-08-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html

a penchant for darkness

2009-08-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

as i gaze into you, softly,
steadily
i feel at ease with the surroundings
with you
my secrets are safe with you
you are my angel
my gateway into the world
only you, you alone can take this burden
be my playground
the garden where i bloom
the wind in which i soar
free
alive
you are the nemesis of the light
the reassurance
the calm and chaste
let me embrace you with open arms
you
the selfless companion
the long forgotten pal

how did things end up this way?

2009-08-14T23:40:00.002+08:00

it is amazing, is it not?
that so many things can happen in 8 months
that one's soul and spirit can be broken and rebuilt, broken and rebuilt so quickly
along with one's hopes and dreams
along with one's stories and sorrows
along with one's fibres and constitution
and so things change
some more than others
some irreversibly
until it becomes surreal
when a story ceases to be a story
but merely a fleeting memory
when existence changes its state of presence
just like your soul has changed its form
the more you lose
dignity, respect, image, riches
the more you actually gain
love, freedom, happiness
and nothing remains dreamy
it is weird
it is unsettling
but it is not a paradox
because everything is finally real
as you hit the stone ground and experience the searing pain
only then do you realise that you are alive, flesh and blood
as the dream falls apart
only then do you see how beautiful the harsh present is
and then there is no longer a need to pine for the fragile future
the unnecessary
i cannot ask for more
because it is already impossible to keep everything as it is
all the things that time steals from us

when it starts to hurt

2009-07-18T19:06:00.002+08:00

suddenly there is this confusion, this uncertainty - what happens next? in what state will i be in a month's time? should i run away from or towards the risks? it sounds easy to decide, as it always does, but suddenly this is real, something that will actually affect life

wonder

2009-07-05T22:13:00.003+08:00

where is this place?
why don't i recognise it anymore
it looks the same, as it was before
but it is no longer familiar

who is this?
why don't i feel the same about you anymore?
you haven't changed a single bit
but your soul is no longer there

what are these things?
why don't i remember who sent them?
they used to be gifts from people
but i don't talk to these people anymore

who am i?
why can't i remain in control
things used to be simple
but they're falling apart
fading away
like a cocoon
peeling apart
waiting for the butterfly, the innocent butterfly, to emerge
and fly
fly away
into this imperfect world
free of the physical binds
locked in the social binds

dangling

2009-06-20T23:23:00.002+08:00

detach from the despair, the desolation
dance in the dawn, the desirable
dangling are the darkness, the deprivation
down they go into the doldrums

duty i have but distinction i do not
dampened i am but desperate i am not
what does it matter anyway? are we not destructible
doomed to the equaliser in our destiny

don't deny me my delight, my delicacies
i am as i am needed to be
as i need to be
dangling in the draft
devoid of the disappointment, the cravings

240509

2009-05-24T22:30:00.004+08:00

is this a turning point?
is this where things will go further downhill? or will they start to look up?
something's different about this.
the weather is getting ~~hotter~~ warmer hmm

a clash of wishes

2009-05-21T22:59:00.003+08:00

there's something about this
that tears your heart
rips your mind apart
dread
fear
submission
that you are a slave to circumstances
shackled by your own prejudices
one moment you are ready to take the plunge
and the next moment this overwhelming sense of fear grips you
you pull back
jerk
stuck in the middle of nowhere
your body unable to cope with your flickering mind
fibres tear
the drops follow
wavering
uncertain
as if you could put a stop to it all
and yet you can't
and nobody gives a damn
they just watch
your performance
the cliffhanger
whose outcome interests them
but affects them in no way
some people just walk away from your life
while others control it tightly with numbers
fucking numbers.
我不相信
命运不由我
人定胜天
我不任你摆布。

the end

2009-05-10T16:32:00.002+08:00

there is a certain peculiarity with human actions and projects: that they can be divided into three clear stages almost instinctively - the preparation, the act itself, and the objective. the conclusion. the mission. it is the purpose that drives you to complete an act - the reward, be it tangible or intangible, self-serving or altruistic. there must be a reason, a compulsion, or at least an emotion. something changes when you are done with it: the act of modifying an environment that you are not excluded from. that you are not affected by your own act can only occur if your own act is a null function. so here comes the catch: if you extend the scale of this act to bigger things - a stage of your life, even your entire life - it becomes natural for one to have a tendency to view this end as being more important than the means. one becomes caught up with the desire to make the end as painless or beautiful as possible: should i drift through it and finish it by the minimum, or should things end with a big bang? and so the end becomes an important event - the culmination of one's preparation and efforts - to the extent that the act itself is unimportant. meaningless. unsatisfactorily. this is an issue that has been largely addressed. there is an increased focus on the means, the journey, the path. fair enough. we all are increasingly learning from the path we take. but what comes after this closure? what lies beyond the end? what happens when there is no "outcome" to place your faith in? what if there is no clear end? does everything just fall apart? there is, after all, no purpose, no reason, no motivation involved. there is nothing to look forward to. nothing to believe in. what will life be like? how would you live your day everyday?

the stories of yesteryear

2009-05-02T23:13:00.002+08:00

someone once told me to aim for the moon, because if i miss, i might still land among the stars.
it never occurred to me that what i would really become is a piece of troublesome space junk.

someone said that one should be the change that one wishes to see in the world.
more often than not, this change comes at a heavy price.

someone once screamed in my ear that pain is weakness leaving the body.
weakness never truly leaves.

someone once said that if you ask you will receive.
so far i have received nothing but more questions in return.

someone once noted that a man can be destroyed but not defeated.
if no one can be defeated how can there be successful people in the world?

nowadays things don't matter much anymore. (actually things never meant much all this while anyway.) there is nothing at stake. i have landed on a white dwarf. i am a change that no one else wishes to see in the world. i am burning everywhere with weakness. i have received very much everything that falls under the category of rejection. i have been defeated by circumstances. it is alright. that i am largely or even completely irrelevant to the world is something that i am perfectly fine with. all i want is for the small things that let me pull through every day to remain as they are. leave me alone in my universe. i don't want to be special. i just want to be happy. i want to know that there are people out there who are still with me. that, i think, is more important than anything else - money, status, popularity. my satisfaction is largely emotional in nature. don't take that away from me too.

jaded

2009-04-24T23:37:00.002+08:00

the cover of a book is actually very telling
however much people say you shouldn't use it to judge the book
emotions, values, attitudes can be gleaned from it
reading the cover can at times be more thought-provoking than the book itself
everything that can be packaged has to be interesting

in words truth can be found but it is in the unspoken that beauty can be found
search for the soul in the eyes and the heart
no amount of love or concern can be expressed in language
only if you are true to yourself can you speak your mind with your body

persistence is secondary to presentation
leave your inner soul to the ashes
any pretense cannot be futile
could you tell the truth apart from the fabricated?
everything is but a cruel gladiator race

leave your thoughts and beliefs to yourself
indict no one for their non-conformity
kill the desire to dominate
everything is ruled by nothing but a subscription to your own values

how may the trapped be happy?
oppression cannot last
malaise will persist
everything will not be the same ever again

ironies

2009-04-04T23:39:00.002+08:00

my life is being furiously torn apart by strong winds
but i will not be ripped to pieces
because my backbone is strong
and my conscience is clear
but then again it is not up to me
because who cares about such things these days?
the earth spins all the time and we all need to eat and drink

having being the devil's advocate

2009-03-22T22:16:00.002+08:00

with great power comes great responsibility - but when the responsibilities fall on your shoulders, you realise that they are not mere tasks, but expectations: because you are greater you must prove yourself to be above certain things, even above certain people.

perhaps, you are no longer one of us, then.

he wasn't

2009-03-21T00:24:00.003+08:00

sometimes it is at the most unlikely moments that you realise the inevitability of things - that there are people who have touched your lives so much that you can't really bear to leave them, but whom you are probably never going to see again (at least for some time); that there are things so far beyond your control that the illusion of autonomy available becomes absurd; that it is only in the darkest moments that light illuminates.

round and round we go but where we stop nobody knows ^^

shit i can't wait for fast and furious + x-men xD

honestly, i don't care

2009-03-17T17:41:00.003+08:00

as my eyes scathingly pierce
through the walls that hold me in
past the force field that binds me so tight
beyond the cage i so gladly impose upon myself
into the void i yearn to be in
there is nothing worthy of my attention
nothing that attracts me
nothing that sets me free
the playground of my lifelong desires
is nothing but a boring farce

i glare but you look away
i scream but you shut your ears
i scratch but you cannot feel
you, you and you
my heart cannot take such rejection
i need the food of love
the fountain of acceptance
take me into your world
put the final touch to my sculpture
and we are one
but you are not there to witness this moment
you do not exist
none of you
my imagination fights to conjure an image
a picture of all of us together
but it fails miserably
not even the camera crunch it can mimic
no more
but me
and the void

i drown myself in words
surround myself in the written
but words are but words
a human construct
devoid of soul
lacking in emotions
absent is the human touch
missing is that which lies between the lines
i reach far out
but there is none
gasping for companionship
but struck and stuck in this empty tower

the void enlarges
and i set myself further into the dungeon
bound by my incompetency
gagged by my inadequacy
crushed i may not be
but joyous i am not
i fight to not crumble
to run away from the tide that is closing in
sick and tired i am
of fighting to be free
but i am addicted to the greener grass
to that which i do not have

pull me out of my obsession
fill my void with life
until you and i are one
the sun shining on the limitless land
let me see the day of light
melt all the boundaries in my world
and i will be more than happy
lifted out of this chaos i am stranded in
into the tranquil utopia of my dreams
with peace of mind, body and soul

hypnosis

2009-03-13T23:31:00.003+08:00

standing
drunken with passion
addicted to emotions
let the music rule your soul
manipulate your body
take control of your worries
put everything in place
purge you of your insecurities
let everything be known
bind your dreams
and let the remainders loose

fill me with desire
a surge of satisfaction
let me see through your eyes
into that hidden heart of yours, that convoluted mind of yours
tear my chains apart
set the locked and bound in me free
into the pure night
where lost i will never be
ease i will always feel
calm i will always be surrounded by
bathe me in warmth
shower me in hope
immerse me in love

as the synthesiser punctures the darkness and the bass lines it
as colours fly and dazzle
listen to the heated breath
sway in the cold wind
lose yourself in the infinite
drown in the deep sea of nothingness
let those around you raise you up and high
lift you into your nirvana
far away from those closest to you
deep into the world you are so detached from
that which embraces your devotion
and that which you are one with

hello world

2009-03-13T00:54:00.002+08:00

every day
every night
i wait for the call that never comes
the message that never arrives
the wink that i never see
the shadow that i never glimpse
the image that never leaves
the smile that never appears
and there is this odd feeling that creeps over me
devours me
consumes me
as if it were a monster
i try to fight it away
i try to stop dreaming
forget how good the feeling always feels
because i know this will lead to nowhere
that i will never get anywhere
but i am trapped in the dream
i am possessed by the monster
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i deny myself of the numbing pleasure
but time after time
it returns to haunt me
to consume me
i try to forget but i remember even more
i try to leave but it makes me turn back and return
time spares me in no way
and i am tortured
i am tormented
because there is a contradiction inherent in this
the pieces don't fit
the figures do not agree
the equation does not hold
the argument is circular
the rules of the world are not being followed
and so i run away
but each step i take further away from you
i feel myself becoming more tied up
the more i am convinced of the contradiction
the more i feel like breaking the rules
i seek liberation in the end
and yet i am holding on to the last strand dearly
i live in delusion
there is something
and yet there is none
i am content
and yet i am not
pull me away from this tangled mess
but don't let me let go of it
convince me
that this too will pass
just as the previous one has
tell me straight in the face
that i am not suitable for this game
that i will always lose
that you will never let me win
just as the previous player did not
and the next one will probably not
and the following one
and so on
take the dice away from me
throw my piece away
and you can climb your way to heaven
with some other figure
some other piece on the board
leave me alone at square one
and don't ever look back
for i have been there
i am there
and perhaps
i will still be there
never having played the game
never having felt what it's like to reach the last box
forever in living hell

g is for guard duty

2009-03-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

when you were here before
couldn't look you in the eye
you're just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
you float like a feather
in a beautiful world
i wish i was special
you're so - special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here

hmm. ten things i will miss:
1 roti john at canteen
2 first parade with ps
3 fire drill with LBV
4 "vulture"
5 permatang
6 "bath-tub"
7 cleaning toilets
8 cockroach in mosquito net
9 ninja van
10 "ammo dump" at courtyard

is it bright where you are?
and have the people changed?
does it make you happy you're so strange
and in your darkest hour
now all secrets fade
we can watch the world devoured in its pain

haha and ten things i will not miss:
1 RT
2 guard duty
3 confinement
4 rifle stun
5 fast march
6 low rope
7 monkey bar
8 platform jump
9 tukar langkah
10 book in. xD

(kidding la. there's something to look forward to in everything i guess =p)

f is for ~-up

2009-03-01T01:09:00.002+08:00

another week is over and i have learnt that i actually hate doing nothing. (NB: sleeping =/= doing nothing)

on another note, the past week has been emotionally turbulent and physically stressful so it is with much gratitude that i greet the weekend. then again the weekend is half over. time seems to slip past one, no?

it is difficult to face the world alone. but it is equally difficult to find yourself facing people all the time. (it is, well.. exhausting.) which is another reason why it is with much gratitude that i greet the weekend

e is for endure

2009-02-22T13:27:00.002+08:00

the end is near
the light can be seen
just steps ahead, many but finite
but suddenly things have changed
what lies ahead is no longer clear
as if i had momentarily become long-sighted
no longer is the path defined
no longer am i led ahead by somebody
like your white cane is snatched away and your eyes are thrust open
happy but fearful
being in control yet insecure
i grope around for a map and yet there is none
i thought i knew the way but i no longer do
where do i go from here? what do i do from now on?
i ask questions that no one i know can answer
i seek a path that cannot be told
what am i looking for? what do i want?
i am forced to feel my way around
i am forced to wait
what comes my way
dictates where i go
embark on a journey
that i know nothing about

e is for excuse

2009-02-20T22:50:00.002+08:00

(g is for GOOD DAY!)

this week was an especially bad week. especially when you have nothing much to look forward to, both in the near and the far future -.- but there is always the PTI =)

finally can listen to un-distorted music again!

d is for day 2

2009-02-14T22:31:00.003+08:00

(i don't like being on day 2, by the way)

curious case of benjamin button is nice. zzzz, dunno what to post. thot i had sth to say when i opened this page. ah well. happy vday.

baby it's a new age
you like my new craze
let's get together
maybe we can start a new phase

c is for chao keng

2009-02-06T22:48:00.005+08:00

wednesday was a pretty rushed day. thursday, to be exact. thursday i was pretty much in shock in the afternoon after doing things i didn't expect i would do. friday i would like to thank everyone who remembered :) friday was ippt day and discovery centre day as well. one of the video clips there was quite touching, to be honest ._.

time is moving past very slowly and my fears of certain things are also disappearing very slowly. but i guess i have to get past it some day

b is for book out

2009-02-04T23:38:00.002+08:00

today is wednesday.
hmm.

field camp was unexpected in many ways.

choice

2009-01-26T22:06:00.004+08:00

as you gaze out of the window
at a field brimming with life
your hands grasping cold hard bars of confinement
you begin to wonder

with the gift of choice
the chance to chart your own destiny
why bind yourself down with archaic rules
with lifestyles that were never meant to be yours?

for you fear of losing control
of losing your moral high ground
that you desire perfection in action
you risk losing the beauty of choice

you never believed in change
in embracing the brave new world
because your world is shaped by duty, by obligation
that you seek solace in gratification and reassurance

i fear imperfection as much as you
i shape my world by responsibility
i feel apprehensive with the lack of control
but i am free, free to lead my life

because i am answerable to myself, my parents, my friends
i am my own lighthouse and beacon
that i will never falter i dare not claim
but i choose to embrace the freedom that i was born with

a is for attend b

2009-01-24T23:30:00.006+08:00

syalah nxt wk field camp. then again now we're halfway thru already! haha. qte fast ah.

bus mrt becoming cheaper sia. must be blue moon pink moon purple moon all going to appear soon. maybe more chiobu in camp will appear also. ah then everyone will be very happy. talking about moon the night sky from range damn nice sia. never see so many stars in the sky before leh. is not the stars you see when pple knock rifle on you la. is the real stars. (unless is one whole armada of planes la) actl qte nice to watch plane also.

funny leh outside world like change a lot in one week la. big news is not too much la but small news like a lot. things like eh? xxx and yyy together already? thot last week they didn't even know each other

the world is really a stage sia. every day this statement seems to be proven more and more correct.

fall out boys

2009-01-17T21:00:00.002+08:00

living in a dream
your only solace being stillness
the piano keys echo in your head
your mind carries you into a white wonderland

here i am
in this place of temporary accommodation
waiting for my destination
for a tale to come true

as you sit alone
in an underground train station
the shadows waving and the lights flickering
the emotions become inevitable

as i look down at a courtyard and across a square, both that are becoming familiar
where many unforgettable moments took place
i see numerous images flicker past me
those of the past, those of the future

life

2009-01-02T19:41:00.004+08:00

why is it that we seek structure in chaos, but yet in times of order we crave for anarchy?
should we let love and lust clash under the auspices of morality, or will they guiltlessly mingle in bliss?
does happiness only come to us when we stop looking for it? or is it a pursuit that we are obliged to engage in every minute and second of our lives?
if we lead a life that does not belong to us, do we necessarily lose ourselves and forgo any sense of direction in life? or is it in liberty and freedom that we part with discretion and discard our obligation towards those around us?
do we fill our lives with questions that nag at us incessantly? or answers that we may never find ourselves comfortable with for eternity?

there is a certain tranquility in order and beauty in fragility. and yet it is only in primordial chaos that one finds oneself at ease, and in strength and security that one finds love and admiration..?

if i could be your angel

2008-12-28T14:24:00.003+08:00

christmas was weird, weekends are good, some things seem to go by in a flash and others take forever to pass. but this is our life and our destiny, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to say and i have no intention of brooding over it. you really only treasure something once you've lost it, and you really can't be happy with everything (and everyone) around you. looks like we have to take things one step at a time.

<3

2008-12-11T08:43:00.001+08:00

i need to learn guitar some day.

body of lies

2008-11-30T20:40:00.004+08:00

september 1, 1939

i and the public know
what all schoolchildren learn,
those to whom evil is done
do evil in return.

-w h auden

limbo

2008-11-29T10:56:00.005+08:00

this means nothing to me
coz you are nothing to me
and it means nothing to me
that you blew it away

coz you could have been number one
if you only found the time
and you could have ruled the whole world
if you had the chance

-uno, muse