http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:43 PM

a penchant for darkness

as i gaze into you, softly,
steadily
i feel at ease with the surroundings
with you
my secrets are safe with you
you are my angel
my gateway into the world
only you, you alone can take this burden
be my playground
the garden where i bloom
the wind in which i soar
free
alive
you are the nemesis of the light
the reassurance
the calm and chaste
let me embrace you with open arms
you
the selfless companion
the long forgotten pal

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 1:12 AM

how did things end up this way?

it is amazing, is it not?
that so many things can happen in 8 months
that one's soul and spirit can be broken and rebuilt, broken and rebuilt so quickly
along with one's hopes and dreams
along with one's stories and sorrows
along with one's fibres and constitution
and so things change
some more than others
some irreversibly
until it becomes surreal
when a story ceases to be a story
but merely a fleeting memory
when existence changes its state of presence
just like your soul has changed its form
the more you lose
dignity, respect, image, riches
the more you actually gain
love, freedom, happiness
and nothing remains dreamy
it is weird
it is unsettling
but it is not a paradox
because everything is finally real
as you hit the stone ground and experience the searing pain
only then do you realise that you are alive, flesh and blood
as the dream falls apart
only then do you see how beautiful the harsh present is
and then there is no longer a need to pine for the fragile future
the unnecessary
i cannot ask for more
because it is already impossible to keep everything as it is
all the things that time steals from us

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:40 PM

when it starts to hurt

suddenly there is this confusion, this uncertainty - what happens next? in what state will i be in a month's time? should i run away from or towards the risks? it sounds easy to decide, as it always does, but suddenly this is real, something that will actually affect life

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 7:06 PM

wonder

where is this place?
why don't i recognise it anymore
it looks the same, as it was before
but it is no longer familiar

who is this?
why don't i feel the same about you anymore?
you haven't changed a single bit
but your soul is no longer there

what are these things?
why don't i remember who sent them?
they used to be gifts from people
but i don't talk to these people anymore

who am i?
why can't i remain in control
things used to be simple
but they're falling apart
fading away
like a cocoon
peeling apart
waiting for the butterfly, the innocent butterfly, to emerge
and fly
fly away
into this imperfect world
free of the physical binds
locked in the social binds

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:13 PM

dangling

detach from the despair, the desolation
dance in the dawn, the desirable
dangling are the darkness, the deprivation
down they go into the doldrums

duty i have but distinction i do not
dampened i am but desperate i am not
what does it matter anyway? are we not destructible
doomed to the equaliser in our destiny

don't deny me my delight, my delicacies
i am as i am needed to be
as i need to be
dangling in the draft
devoid of the disappointment, the cravings

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:23 PM

240509

is this a turning point?
is this where things will go further downhill? or will they start to look up?
something's different about this.
the weather is getting hotter warmer hmm

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:30 PM

a clash of wishes

there's something about this
that tears your heart
rips your mind apart
dread
fear
submission
that you are a slave to circumstances
shackled by your own prejudices
one moment you are ready to take the plunge
and the next moment this overwhelming sense of fear grips you
you pull back
jerk
stuck in the middle of nowhere
your body unable to cope with your flickering mind
fibres tear
the drops follow
wavering
uncertain
as if you could put a stop to it all
and yet you can't
and nobody gives a damn
they just watch
your performance
the cliffhanger
whose outcome interests them
but affects them in no way
some people just walk away from your life
while others control it tightly with numbers
fucking numbers.
我不相信
命运不由我
人定胜天
我不任你摆布。

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:59 PM

the end

there is a certain peculiarity with human actions and projects: that they can be divided into three clear stages almost instinctively - the preparation, the act itself, and the objective. the conclusion. the mission. it is the purpose that drives you to complete an act - the reward, be it tangible or intangible, self-serving or altruistic. there must be a reason, a compulsion, or at least an emotion. something changes when you are done with it: the act of modifying an environment that you are not excluded from. that you are not affected by your own act can only occur if your own act is a null function. so here comes the catch: if you extend the scale of this act to bigger things - a stage of your life, even your entire life - it becomes natural for one to have a tendency to view this end as being more important than the means. one becomes caught up with the desire to make the end as painless or beautiful as possible: should i drift through it and finish it by the minimum, or should things end with a big bang? and so the end becomes an important event - the culmination of one's preparation and efforts - to the extent that the act itself is unimportant. meaningless. unsatisfactorily. this is an issue that has been largely addressed. there is an increased focus on the means, the journey, the path. fair enough. we all are increasingly learning from the path we take. but what comes after this closure? what lies beyond the end? what happens when there is no "outcome" to place your faith in? what if there is no clear end? does everything just fall apart? there is, after all, no purpose, no reason, no motivation involved. there is nothing to look forward to. nothing to believe in. what will life be like? how would you live your day everyday?

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 4:32 PM

the stories of yesteryear

someone once told me to aim for the moon, because if i miss, i might still land among the stars.
it never occurred to me that what i would really become is a piece of troublesome space junk.

someone said that one should be the change that one wishes to see in the world.
more often than not, this change comes at a heavy price.

someone once screamed in my ear that pain is weakness leaving the body.
weakness never truly leaves.

someone once said that if you ask you will receive.
so far i have received nothing but more questions in return.

someone once noted that a man can be destroyed but not defeated.
if no one can be defeated how can there be successful people in the world?

nowadays things don't matter much anymore. (actually things never meant much all this while anyway.) there is nothing at stake. i have landed on a white dwarf. i am a change that no one else wishes to see in the world. i am burning everywhere with weakness. i have received very much everything that falls under the category of rejection. i have been defeated by circumstances. it is alright. that i am largely or even completely irrelevant to the world is something that i am perfectly fine with. all i want is for the small things that let me pull through every day to remain as they are. leave me alone in my universe. i don't want to be special. i just want to be happy. i want to know that there are people out there who are still with me. that, i think, is more important than anything else - money, status, popularity. my satisfaction is largely emotional in nature. don't take that away from me too.

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:13 PM

jaded

the cover of a book is actually very telling
however much people say you shouldn't use it to judge the book
emotions, values, attitudes can be gleaned from it
reading the cover can at times be more thought-provoking than the book itself
everything that can be packaged has to be interesting

in words truth can be found but it is in the unspoken that beauty can be found
search for the soul in the eyes and the heart
no amount of love or concern can be expressed in language
only if you are true to yourself can you speak your mind with your body

persistence is secondary to presentation
leave your inner soul to the ashes
any pretense cannot be futile
could you tell the truth apart from the fabricated?
everything is but a cruel gladiator race

leave your thoughts and beliefs to yourself
indict no one for their non-conformity
kill the desire to dominate
everything is ruled by nothing but a subscription to your own values

how may the trapped be happy?
oppression cannot last
malaise will persist
everything will not be the same ever again

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:37 PM

ironies

my life is being furiously torn apart by strong winds
but i will not be ripped to pieces
because my backbone is strong
and my conscience is clear
but then again it is not up to me
because who cares about such things these days?
the earth spins all the time and we all need to eat and drink

keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:39 PM