Friday, March 13, 2009
hello world
every day
every night
i wait for the call that never comes
the message that never arrives
the wink that i never see
the shadow that i never glimpse
the image that never leaves
the smile that never appears
and there is this odd feeling that creeps over me
devours me
consumes me
as if it were a monster
i try to fight it away
i try to stop dreaming
forget how good the feeling always feels
because i know this will lead to nowhere
that i will never get anywhere
but i am trapped in the dream
i am possessed by the monster
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i deny myself of the numbing pleasure
but time after time
it returns to haunt me
to consume me
i try to forget but i remember even more
i try to leave but it makes me turn back and return
time spares me in no way
and i am tortured
i am tormented
because there is a contradiction inherent in this
the pieces don't fit
the figures do not agree
the equation does not hold
the argument is circular
the rules of the world are not being followed
and so i run away
but each step i take further away from you
i feel myself becoming more tied up
the more i am convinced of the contradiction
the more i feel like breaking the rules
i seek liberation in the end
and yet i am holding on to the last strand dearly
i live in delusion
there is something
and yet there is none
i am content
and yet i am not
pull me away from this tangled mess
but don't let me let go of it
convince me
that this too will pass
just as the previous one has
tell me straight in the face
that i am not suitable for this game
that i will always lose
that you will never let me win
just as the previous player did not
and the next one will probably not
and the following one
and so on
take the dice away from me
throw my piece away
and you can climb your way to heaven
with some other figure
some other piece on the board
leave me alone at square one
and don't ever look back
for i have been there
i am there
and perhaps
i will still be there
never having played the game
never having felt what it's like to reach the last box
forever in living hell
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 12:54 AM
