Sunday, May 24, 2009
240509
is this a turning point?
is this where things will go further downhill? or will they start to look up?
something's different about this.
the weather is getting hotter warmer hmm
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:30 PM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
a clash of wishes
there's something about this
that tears your heart
rips your mind apart
dread
fear
submission
that you are a slave to circumstances
shackled by your own prejudices
one moment you are ready to take the plunge
and the next moment this overwhelming sense of fear grips you
you pull back
jerk
stuck in the middle of nowhere
your body unable to cope with your flickering mind
fibres tear
the drops follow
wavering
uncertain
as if you could put a stop to it all
and yet you can't
and nobody gives a damn
they just watch
your performance
the cliffhanger
whose outcome interests them
but affects them in no way
some people just walk away from your life
while others control it tightly with numbers
fucking numbers.
我不相信
命运不由我
人定胜天
我不任你摆布。
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:59 PM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
the end
there is a certain peculiarity with human actions and projects: that they can be divided into three clear stages almost instinctively - the preparation, the act itself, and the objective. the conclusion. the mission. it is the purpose that drives you to complete an act - the reward, be it tangible or intangible, self-serving or altruistic. there must be a reason, a compulsion, or at least an emotion. something changes when you are done with it: the act of modifying an environment that you are not excluded from. that you are not affected by your own act can only occur if your own act is a null function. so here comes the catch: if you extend the scale of this act to bigger things - a stage of your life, even your entire life - it becomes natural for one to have a tendency to view this end as being more important than the means. one becomes caught up with the desire to make the end as painless or beautiful as possible: should i drift through it and finish it by the minimum, or should things end with a big bang? and so the end becomes an important event - the culmination of one's preparation and efforts - to the extent that the act itself is unimportant. meaningless. unsatisfactorily. this is an issue that has been largely addressed. there is an increased focus on the means, the journey, the path. fair enough. we all are increasingly learning from the path we take. but what comes after this closure? what lies beyond the end? what happens when there is no "outcome" to place your faith in? what if there is no clear end? does everything just fall apart? there is, after all, no purpose, no reason, no motivation involved. there is nothing to look forward to. nothing to believe in. what will life be like? how would you live your day everyday?
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 4:32 PM
Saturday, May 02, 2009
the stories of yesteryear
someone once told me to aim for the moon, because if i miss, i might still land among the stars.
it never occurred to me that what i would really become is a piece of troublesome space junk.
someone said that one should be the change that one wishes to see in the world.
more often than not, this change comes at a heavy price.
someone once screamed in my ear that pain is weakness leaving the body.
weakness never truly leaves.
someone once said that if you ask you will receive.
so far i have received nothing but more questions in return.
someone once noted that a man can be destroyed but not defeated.
if no one can be defeated how can there be successful people in the world?
nowadays things don't matter much anymore. (actually things never meant much all this while anyway.) there is nothing at stake. i have landed on a white dwarf. i am a change that no one else wishes to see in the world. i am burning everywhere with weakness. i have received very much everything that falls under the category of rejection. i have been defeated by circumstances. it is alright. that i am largely or even completely irrelevant to the world is something that i am perfectly fine with. all i want is for the small things that let me pull through every day to remain as they are. leave me alone in my universe. i don't want to be special. i just want to be happy. i want to know that there are people out there who are still with me. that, i think, is more important than anything else - money, status, popularity. my satisfaction is largely emotional in nature. don't take that away from me too.
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:13 PM
