Sunday, March 22, 2009
having being the devil's advocate
with great power comes great responsibility - but when the responsibilities fall on your shoulders, you realise that they are not mere tasks, but expectations: because you are greater you must prove yourself to be above certain things, even above certain people.
perhaps, you are no longer one of us, then.
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:16 PM
Saturday, March 21, 2009
he wasn't
sometimes it is at the most unlikely moments that you realise the inevitability of things - that there are people who have touched your lives so much that you can't really bear to leave them, but whom you are probably never going to see again (at least for some time); that there are things so far beyond your control that the illusion of autonomy available becomes absurd; that it is only in the darkest moments that light illuminates.
round and round we go but where we stop nobody knows ^^
shit i can't wait for fast and furious + x-men xD
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 12:24 AM
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
honestly, i don't care
as my eyes scathingly pierce
through the walls that hold me in
past the force field that binds me so tight
beyond the cage i so gladly impose upon myself
into the void i yearn to be in
there is nothing worthy of my attention
nothing that attracts me
nothing that sets me free
the playground of my lifelong desires
is nothing but a boring farce
i glare but you look away
i scream but you shut your ears
i scratch but you cannot feel
you, you and you
my heart cannot take such rejection
i need the food of love
the fountain of acceptance
take me into your world
put the final touch to my sculpture
and we are one
but you are not there to witness this moment
you do not exist
none of you
my imagination fights to conjure an image
a picture of all of us together
but it fails miserably
not even the camera crunch it can mimic
no more
but me
and the void
i drown myself in words
surround myself in the written
but words are but words
a human construct
devoid of soul
lacking in emotions
absent is the human touch
missing is that which lies between the lines
i reach far out
but there is none
gasping for companionship
but struck and stuck in this empty tower
the void enlarges
and i set myself further into the dungeon
bound by my incompetency
gagged by my inadequacy
crushed i may not be
but joyous i am not
i fight to not crumble
to run away from the tide that is closing in
sick and tired i am
of fighting to be free
but i am addicted to the greener grass
to that which i do not have
pull me out of my obsession
fill my void with life
until you and i are one
the sun shining on the limitless land
let me see the day of light
melt all the boundaries in my world
and i will be more than happy
lifted out of this chaos i am stranded in
into the tranquil utopia of my dreams
with peace of mind, body and soul
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 5:41 PM
Friday, March 13, 2009
hypnosis
standing
drunken with passion
addicted to emotions
let the music rule your soul
manipulate your body
take control of your worries
put everything in place
purge you of your insecurities
let everything be known
bind your dreams
and let the remainders loose
fill me with desire
a surge of satisfaction
let me see through your eyes
into that hidden heart of yours, that convoluted mind of yours
tear my chains apart
set the locked and bound in me free
into the pure night
where lost i will never be
ease i will always feel
calm i will always be surrounded by
bathe me in warmth
shower me in hope
immerse me in love
as the synthesiser punctures the darkness and the bass lines it
as colours fly and dazzle
listen to the heated breath
sway in the cold wind
lose yourself in the infinite
drown in the deep sea of nothingness
let those around you raise you up and high
lift you into your nirvana
far away from those closest to you
deep into the world you are so detached from
that which embraces your devotion
and that which you are one with
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 11:31 PM
hello world
every day
every night
i wait for the call that never comes
the message that never arrives
the wink that i never see
the shadow that i never glimpse
the image that never leaves
the smile that never appears
and there is this odd feeling that creeps over me
devours me
consumes me
as if it were a monster
i try to fight it away
i try to stop dreaming
forget how good the feeling always feels
because i know this will lead to nowhere
that i will never get anywhere
but i am trapped in the dream
i am possessed by the monster
i am hungry
i am thirsty
i deny myself of the numbing pleasure
but time after time
it returns to haunt me
to consume me
i try to forget but i remember even more
i try to leave but it makes me turn back and return
time spares me in no way
and i am tortured
i am tormented
because there is a contradiction inherent in this
the pieces don't fit
the figures do not agree
the equation does not hold
the argument is circular
the rules of the world are not being followed
and so i run away
but each step i take further away from you
i feel myself becoming more tied up
the more i am convinced of the contradiction
the more i feel like breaking the rules
i seek liberation in the end
and yet i am holding on to the last strand dearly
i live in delusion
there is something
and yet there is none
i am content
and yet i am not
pull me away from this tangled mess
but don't let me let go of it
convince me
that this too will pass
just as the previous one has
tell me straight in the face
that i am not suitable for this game
that i will always lose
that you will never let me win
just as the previous player did not
and the next one will probably not
and the following one
and so on
take the dice away from me
throw my piece away
and you can climb your way to heaven
with some other figure
some other piece on the board
leave me alone at square one
and don't ever look back
for i have been there
i am there
and perhaps
i will still be there
never having played the game
never having felt what it's like to reach the last box
forever in living hell
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 12:54 AM
Saturday, March 07, 2009
g is for guard duty
when you were here before
couldn't look you in the eye
you're just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
you float like a feather
in a beautiful world
i wish i was special
you're so - special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here
hmm. ten things i will miss:
1 roti john at canteen
2 first parade with ps
3 fire drill with LBV
4 "vulture"
5 permatang
6 "bath-tub"
7 cleaning toilets
8 cockroach in mosquito net
9 ninja van
10 "ammo dump" at courtyard
is it bright where you are?
and have the people changed?
does it make you happy you're so strange
and in your darkest hour
now all secrets fade
we can watch the world devoured in its pain
haha and ten things i will not miss:
1 RT
2 guard duty
3 confinement
4 rifle stun
5 fast march
6 low rope
7 monkey bar
8 platform jump
9 tukar langkah
10 book in. xD
(kidding la. there's something to look forward to in everything i guess =p)
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 10:34 PM
Sunday, March 01, 2009
f is for ~-up
another week is over and i have learnt that i actually hate doing nothing. (NB: sleeping =/= doing nothing)
on another note, the past week has been emotionally turbulent and physically stressful so it is with much gratitude that i greet the weekend. then again the weekend is half over. time seems to slip past one, no?
it is difficult to face the world alone. but it is equally difficult to find yourself facing people all the time. (it is, well.. exhausting.) which is another reason why it is with much gratitude that i greet the weekend
keeping my secrets ; for her
- 1:09 AM
